Managing academic stress – especially during exam time – is easier said than done! However, taking care of your mental and physical health during this time is very important. Here are some strategies you can try to help cope with stress:
Take Breaks for YOU.
Take a break! Schedule some time in between studying to do something you enjoy. Relax, go for a short walk outside, or watch an episode of a show you like – whatever you like to do, make some time to do it each day if you can to reduce build up of academic stress.
Go for a Walk.
Being outside in the fresh air can help reduce your stress levels. If you are beginning to feel anxious and overwhelmed, go for a walk – even a short walk can help! Exercise is an excellent way to ward off academic stress!
Take Care of Your Body.
Most students tend to neglect their bodies when exams come – you’re tired, you’re stressed, and maybe you’re so stressed you just don’t feel like eating. However, taking care of your physical health will help you focus, reduce your academic stress, and increase your ability to perform well on test day. Eat healthy meals, take time to exercise (e.g., go for a walk, do yoga, workout, or meditate), and most of all, get your rest. Sleep is important – make sure you’re getting enough!
Talk to Someone.
If you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or anxious, sometimes the best thing to do is talk to someone. Talk to your peers, friends, or your family about how you’re feeling. Sharing how we feel with people we trust can often make us feel better.
Watch Your Self-Talk.
Its very easy to fall into a downward spiral of negative thinking when you’re worried about an exam. How we talk to ourselves has a huge impact on our thoughts and how we feel. If you’re worried about an exam, avoid negative thoughts like “I’m going to fail” or “I’m too stupid for this”. If you find yourself saying thinking these things, try reframing them into something positive, such as “I am going to do my best” or “I am smart and I know I can do well.”
Get Help.
If you find that none of these strategies work for you and your stress feels overwhelming, give us a call. Our counsellors provide a safe and professional environment where you can build resilience and develop skills to cope with stress.
Richard Warshak, author of Divorce Poison, has written and excellent article explaining parental alienation.
Parental Alienation in High Conflict Divorce
In the article he states that any parent that enlists children as allies in a battle against the other parent is engaging in tactics to alienate children against the “target” parent.
Children who are influenced show classic behaviors that you can identify. Warshak explains these to give the targeted parent signs to look for to intervene as early as possible. This is critical. Read more here.
Trauma impacts us everywhere – emotionally, physically, and mentally.
What is Trauma?
Research suggests that trauma isn’t about the event; it is about our body’s response to the perception of threat. When our sympathetic nervous system detects danger, an automatic defense cascade leaps into action and we unconsciously end up in fight, flight, or freeze mode. None of these processes involve our “thinking” brain. Our nervous system detects the threat (neuroception) and our body responds. Some of us have more sensitive nervous systems than others. Past traumas can contribute to this, but a few of us are just born this way. This is why one person can become traumatized by an event and another will not.
We experience trauma when this fight, flight, freeze response is not completed. We are trapped, helpless, or unable to complete the process that our nervous system has started. The process is stored in our brain; in fact, the same area of the brain that we store how to ride a bike. This is why our memories can be so vivid and produce the same bodily response over and over, with no resolution. We operate in a constant state of flight, fight, or freeze and our nervous system becomes hypervigilant to danger. We are traumatized more easily, and go through the same response over and over.
How Does Trauma Affect the Body?
For those of you that have experienced trauma, you know how uncomfortable and distressing the symptoms can be. Immediate symptoms can include racing thoughts, gut discomfort, pounding heart, sweaty or clammy palms, tense muscles, and pressure in your head. Unresolved trauma can also lead to sleep disruption, low tolerance to stress, panic attacks, anxiety, anger, frequent crying, fear of dying, and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. Health issues like chronic headaches, fatigue, thyroid dysfunction, neck and back problems, IBS, severe PMS, and immune and endocrine problems also often result from unresolved trauma. Often sufferers are plagued with a sense of impending doom and depression, feel alienated and isolated, and feel disconnected to themselves and the world around them. These are severe challenges and roadblocks to enjoying life to the fullest.
Trauma Treatment
For those of you that can relate to any of the above symptoms, there is hope. Trauma treatment has come a long way. Therapists understand that sharing events of your traumatic event can be retraumatizing. It is not possible to do any recovery work if you are being traumatized in treatment! Recovery occurs when you are in your “window of tolerance,” not in fight, flight, or freeze mode.
As mentioned, trauma is an incomplete response of the body. For that reason, current treatment methods address the body, focusing on your heart rate, how your chest feels, your gut, your throat, your limbs and your hands. Wherever you feel a bodily response, you can learn methods to reduce these responses.
The next step is to reduce the hypervigilance to danger and increase perceptions of safety and security. At Incentive Counselling, we are trained in trauma therapy methods, and can provide several techniques to ensure that you are in your window of tolerance. This is when recovery can occur. A major factor to reduce hypervigilance to danger, which causes so much stress emotionally and physically, is to teach concrete skills to help increase your awareness of safety and security.
Sometimes, people are perfectly satisfied stopping here. The bodily responses are reduced and they feel safe and secure. That is wonderful.
For others, processing the trauma is also important. Again, a counsellor trained in trauma will have several strategies and techniques to help maintain your window of tolerance so that you can process your experiences safely.
Contact Us
If you have past trauma and are still experiencing the distressing effects, give us a call. Our trained counsellors provide the safe, secure environment and use proven strategies that allow you to effectively engage in recovery work.
Dr. J. Michael Bone describes Parental Alienation from a child’s point of view. Systematically manipulating children to reject their other parent is unequivocally a form of child abuse!
Divorce is difficult even under the best of circumstances. If you are in a situation where the divorce process seems especially brutal because of an overly uncooperative ex, you may be experiencing the characteristics of a “high conflict” divorce. Why are the challenges in your divorce so extensive and formidable? More than likely, one person involved has characteristics that are consistent with a high conflict personality. Some of these characteristics will be familiar to you, as you may have dealt with them throughout the time you were together.
Your ex always blames others.
This characteristic may be familiar, because your partner would have had difficulty accepting responsibility or fault for any problems in your relationship when you were together. Your divorce may seem to be exaggerating this difficult quality. If, according to your ex, you are to blame for everything, communication, co-parenting, or anything else that requires the smallest level of cooperation, is extremely difficult. The focus is turned on you, and none of it is positive. The difficult partner is hyper-focused on detailing every misstep you have made in the relationship, as a parent, and even as a person. This is about condemnation and not about resolving issues that will actually end the marriage.
Because you are to blame, the partner may call you names and bad-mouth you to others, even your children. Acting out in revenge is not out of the question either. The high conflict person intent on revenge will personally, emotionally, and financially damage the other spouse as much as possible.
They are all or nothing thinkers.
The high conflict person is a black and white thinker. There is no in-between. You are awful; they are great. You are unfair; they are just. You are mean; they are kind. You are wrong; they are right. You are a bad parent; they are a great parent. You get the picture. This type of thinking is impossible when compromise is necessary. The individual sees the divorce as a win-lose situation and they are not going to lose. In a high conflict divorce, the partner is not willing to agree to anything, even the simplest, most reasonable items. Compromising requires give and take, and the high conflict partner will not give.
They have unmanaged emotions
Trying to work out difficult problems with someone who is volatile can be impossible. In every conversation, you may find yourself trying not to “poke the bear”. Anger and other negative emotions will still emerge, because this kind of person seeks out reasons to argue and will relentlessly perpetuate the conflict by any means. This elevates the divorce process to a combat zone, making it impossible to move forward safely on any issues or decisions.
They also have extreme behaviors
High conflict personalities do things that you can’t imagine, have triggers that are unpredictable, and display behaviors seem totally irrational. They break the rules, lie, and are hostile. They will spin a dense web of deception and fabricate stories that depict you in the worst possible light. They may want to get out of the marriage, but if revenge is a factor, they want to do as much damage to the other person as possible first. Nothing is off the table and the extent of their capabilities is totally unpredictable.
What can you do if you find yourself in a high conflict divorce?
There are some things you can do that will help to prevent an escalation in your partner’s behaviour. None of them are easy, but having a strategy will help you feel like you have some control.
Avoid trying to explain how the uncooperative behaviour is unproductive. The high conflict person will not change and you cannot control this. What you can control are your responses. Try to use a low-conflict communication style – be concise, relay facts (no opinions, feelings, advice), watch your tone (no sarcasm), and be firm (set a boundary and stick to it).
Avoid focusing on the past and emphasize the future. Don’t engage in what your ex may have said about you and focus on being the most consistent, level-headed person you can be. When you talk to your children say what you know to be true and avoid venting about your frustrations about your ex. Teach your children critical thinking skills so they learn to trust their own feelings and perceptions. Even though your ex may bring up everything from the past, remain focused on the future and what lies ahead.
Although this is difficult, avoid giving any negative feedback or engage in emotional confrontations. Resist being baited into an argument even if the baiting seems relentless. As mentioned above, use a reporter-style communication method, focusing on the facts, and highlight the positive. Do not highlight your ex’s shortcomings and how they are impacting the progress of your divorce, or how it is impacting you, or your children’s lives. It may be true, but it will validate the effectiveness of the high conflict behavior.
This process does not have to be this difficult. We are here to help. Get in touch with Connie or Wendy to find out what your options are.
I am continuing my breakdown of Dr. Burns Podcasts. I have tried to put them in a logical order and skipped ones that are more for practitioners. As I have mentioned, they are very interesting to listen to, but I get it – who has the time? Below is a quick overview of Podcast #10, 11, and 12, all explaining some cognitive distortions. There are more, but it does give you and idea of what they are. If you would like to listen to the full podcasts and many others, click to go to Dr. Burns’ Feeling Good website. Not ready? The read below will get you started.
Podcast #10 – First 3 Distortions
It is not what happens to us, but our interpretation of what is happening to us.
This concept was introduced in the 1950’s by Albert Ellis and popularized in the 1960’s by Aaron Beck.
The idea is:
Thoughts create feelings – thoughts that upset us are often distorted and illogical.
Depression, Anxiety, and Anger are triggered by fraudulent, wrong thoughts.
Looking at things in a different way can have powerful effects.
It is human nature – we make ourselves miserable by looking at things in a way that is not realistic.
Cognitive Distortions are what you are telling yourself.
1. All or Nothing Thinking
This is black and white thinking based in the here and now. Examples are thoughts like:
I am going to blow an event completely.
I am totally worthless.
Things are going to be wonderful or terrible.
I am a loser.
Typically, they are 100% negative.
Perfectionism, borderline personality disorder are caused by all or nothing thinking.
Positive All or Nothing Thinking – When we are trying to be perfect, our work is often not the best. It is distorted to think we have to be #1 and anything less than 100% perfect is unacceptable.
2. Over-generalization
This occurs when we experience a negative event and project it into the future. Examples of thoughts are:
I am always messing up.
I am never going to…
I will be alone forever.
No one will ever love me.
Positive over-generalization – If someone is suffering from depression – the negative distortion is that we will never recover. Recovery occurs when we realize the negative thoughts we had were distorted. We experience the greatest happiness and think I will be happy forever. This is distorted because we will relapse at some point.
3 & 4 Mental Filter & Discounting the Positives
These two go hand in hand. We do this when we focus on the negative and discount the positive. We take in something positive and we convince ourselves it doesn’t count. Our negative mental filter rejects it.
An example of when we might do this is we receive several glowing positive reviews, but one negative. We shift our focus 100% on the negative review. We hyper-focus on errors and the negative. If we score 80% on a test, we focus on the 20% we got wrong. If someone gives us a compliment, we think they are only being nice to us. (“Imposter Syndrome” is often the result of this type of thinking)
You can have a positive mental filter which is distorted as well. Dr. Burns used Donald Trump as an example, because when he receives criticism, he views the other person as flawed.
When we are criticized, we naturally want to defend ourselves, discounting the validity of the criticism. Most of us learn to view criticism as constructive when it is meant to be, not as a personal attack.
Listen to Podcast #10 here:
Podcast #11 – 3 More Distortions
5. Jumping to Conclusions
This is when we jump to a conclusion that is not justified. We do this in 2 ways.
Mind Reading – we make negative assumptions about what another person is thinking. We assume they are not interested, or that they don’t “feel” like you do. Dr. Burns used the example of dining in a restaurant and watching a table that arrived after him get better service. The truth was that the server was waiting for him to finish an appetizer that Dr. Burns didn’t care for, before he brought the entree. A perfectly logical explanation and nothing personal.
Fortune Telling – this is when we make negative prediction about the future – all anxiety is caused by fortune telling. Examples are: the plane will crash, presentation will flop, etc. In anxiety, there are always thoughts that cause the anxiety. In a panic attack – I am going to go crazy, I am going to die. Depression – I am never going to get better, I will always be this way (hopelessness).
6. Magnification and Minimization
When we procrastinate or put something off, we are usually magnifying the task. We magnify when we imagine how delicious a donut is going to taste when we are trying to watch what we eat.
We do the opposite when we minimize. We convince ourselves that one donut won’t hurt.
7. Emotional Reasoning
This is when we reason from our feelings. Examples of what we might think are:
I feel anxious, so I must be in danger.
I feel hopeless, so I must be.
We believe our feelings. However, emotions are created by our thoughts and if thoughts are distorted, so are your feelings. There are causal linkages between thoughts and feelings that can operate both ways. Negative feelings cause negative thoughts – an initial thought will always precede the original feeling. It is like a domino effect.
Listen to Podcast #11 here:
Podcast 12 – 2 More Distortions
8. Should Statements
Self directed should statements create shame, guilt, and inadequacy. Other should statements (directed at others) create frustration and anger.
3 valid uses of the word should – legal should, laws of the universe should, moral should. All “shoulds” are a positive distortion.
9. Labeling
This is when we label ourselves – I am a loser or a failure – rather than allowing yourself to make mistakes.
Labeling others is painting others with broad brush strokes.
Examples:
A sexual abuse victim labels herself as dirty. This is distorted thinking as the person is a victim.
A mother calls herself a bad mother because her child struggling. This is distorted because the child’s struggles are not the mother’s fault.
A is for Agenda Setting – This is the 2nd post in the Dr. Burns Podcast series. This Podcast focuses on addressing resistance. If you are not sure what therapeutic resistance is, read about it here.
If you want to listen to the entire podcast, take a listen here:
Here is the condensed, written version.
Agenda setting is inviting a person to work on the problem they are experiencing.
When individuals don’t rapidly overcome problems – in one or two sessions – resistance to change has not been addressed.
Even though we yearn for change, we cling to the familiar.
Resistance is difficult to understand, even for the resistant person. Depression is the worst form of suffering. Why would someone want to cling to depression? Or addiction? Or anxiety?
How do we melt resistance?
Step 1 – Invitation – Once the situation has been explained and the story told, simply ask if there is something in the situation they want help with.
Step 2 – Specificity – We can only work on one thing at a time, so the person must prioritize – Which problem would you like to work on first?
Step 3 – Time and Place – Think of a moment when this problem occurred.
Where were you? What was going on? What were you feeling?
For example, a client wanted help with low self-esteem (specific problem) and said that he got a very poor performance review at work that affected his self-esteem (When? Where? What was going on? Feeling?).
Step 4 – Conceptualization – What problem is the above person dealing with? The 4 potential categories are depression, anxiety, relational, or a non-problem.
What is a non-problem? A non-problem is when we feel something that is completely normal and healthy. For example, there are 2 kinds of grief. Although both are very hard to experience, uncomplicated grief is healthy and normal and therefore, a non-problem.
On the other hand, complicated grief is characterized by distorted thoughts like self blame or guilt. These distorted thoughts and feelings make grieving a difficult process to go through and so people end up “stuck”.
Back to our previous example. Once the moment is revealed, determine what the problem is. In the example above, is it a self-esteem problem? Conceptualize – is it depression, anxiety, and relationship problems. It probably is all of them.
Even though we have cognitive behavioral therapy tools that can help, we have to address resistance first. Ironically, therapist compassion and need to help can be the death of successful treatment.
Step 5 – Deal with resistance (process and outcome – not sure what these are? Read about these two types of resistance here)
It is great when someone wants help. However, offering the tools is not enough. Dr. Burns frames his resistance busting technique by saying to the client, “I can show you how to overcome your self-esteem problems, but you will have to do all the work. This process will be very hard. It seems unfair when you have to do the work (process resistance – you are the one that needs to commit to changing) when it is everyone else that has the problem (outcome resistance – be able to deal with other people more effectively).
At that point, the person dealing with the problem will decide if they willing to move forward and convince the clinician that they actually want help (resistance overcome).
If this podcast summary has peaked your interest and you want to hear more, I highly recommend Dr. Burns’ Feeling Good website. His podcasts are located here.
If you have ever been in to see me, you will have heard me talk highly of Dr. David Burns and his work in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I have recommended his podcast to many people, as listening to how he has helped others is truly inspiring!
Don’t want to take a listen, but still interested?
If podcasts just are not your cup of tea, (kind of akin to the Too Long; Didn’t Read variety, but with your ears), I thought I would break it down for you.
If you want to listen, here it is.
Podcast #1 – Resistance
Introduction
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was popularized by Dr. Aaron Beck in the early 70’s.
At the time, David Burns found that pharmacology (prescribed drugs) was not helping his patients. As a result, Burns got interested in finding different methods to use and Dr. Beck’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was suggested.
Burns attended Aaron Beck’s weekly seminars and he found that his patients showed improvement when he tried the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques.
However, some (about 1/3) clients stubbornly clung to “Yes, but…” and were not being helped.
Why? Why stuck?
They were stuck because of Therapeutic Resistance. They cling to the familiar.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or any treatment, for that matter) will not be helpful without addressing resistance.
Once resistance is melted away, the strategy is very effective.
Types of Resistance
Resistance broken down into 8 most common categories.
There are 4 targets – Addictions, Relationship Problems, Anxiety and Depression.
For each target, there are 2 types of resistance – Outcome and Process resistance.
Addictions
Outcome resistance – this is when a positive outcome isn’t really wanted.
For example, if an alcoholic is offered an instant cure, the addict may truly believe that alcohol (or any other addiction) is the only source of escape, pleasure, relief, etc. in their life. Therefore, they don’t really want to become sober – outcome resistance.
Process Resistance – This is when you don’t want to do the required work to accomplish desired outcome. For example, someone might want to lose weight, but is not willing to change behavior (exercise or diet) to accomplish weight goals – process resistance.
Couples therapy – often doesn’t take resistance into account.
Outcome resistance – The truth might be that one partner doesn’t want a close relationship with the other person anymore. If the relationship has eroded to a terrible point, the partner may feel hurt or resentful and not want the other person in their life – outcome resistance.
Process resistance – Sometimes, we blame our partner for the difficulties in the relationship and feel we are not responsible at all. We are not willing to stop blaming, nor are we motivated to take any responsibility. Because of our position, we not willing to make any changes that might improve the relationship – process resistance.
Anxiety
Outcome resistance – magical thinking – if the anxiety disappears, something horrible will happen.
For example, let’s say you are a chronic worrier and worry about everything. If I suggest to you that you can push a magic button and your anxiety will disappear. Sometimes the worrier has a deeply rooted belief that if the button is pushed and the worrying goes away, something horrible will happen.
To explain further, it is discovered that a person with Obsessive/Compulsive tendencies fears deeply that if they don’t wash their hands, they will contaminate their children with a terrible disease. Therefore, the person does not want to stop the behavior – outcome resistance.
Process resistance – Often when dealing with anxiety, we must face the things we are anxious about. This is called Exposure and it can be terrifying – process resistance.
Depression
Outcome Resistance – The main resistance has to do with non-acceptance. There is something about ourselves that we don’t want to accept leading to self doubt. We must accept who we are and lower standards. By doing this, we might think that we are settling for the second best version of self- let go of the ego. The impression of self is more powerful than the “real” self – outcome resistance.
For example, a violent local drug dealer was suicidal. He had low self-esteem and considered himself a a hopeless case. Through prompting, he looked at positives and negatives of continuing with his lifestyle.
He thought the biggest cost was that he would be dead in 2 years. However, staying the same easy and familiar (benefit), he could get stoned all the time (benefit), he had a strong public identity and prestige (benefit), he was powerful (benefit), he got unlimited sex (benefit), he didn’t have to follow rules (benefit), and he was never disappointed in himself (benefit).
It was clear that being a “hopeless case” had many benefits. Why would he want to give it up? The man realized that living was more important than all of the benefits his lifestyle afforded him.
Process Resistance – homework – the effect of doing homework is huge. Improvement is directly related to doing, or not doing, homework. Homework always involves working on some sort of change and many of us don’t like change. It isn’t easy – process resistance.
There is Podcast #1 in a nutshell. Please feel free to check out Dr. Burns’ website. His work is truly inspiring and can be a game changer for you!
Family Bridges is a four-day workshop that rapidly reconnects alienated children with their rejected parents . If you are unfamiliar with what a parental alienation is, please read about it here. This workshop is helpful when Courts have determined a change of custody is in a child’s best interest.
The Workshop
A mental health professional trained in the Family Bridges program facilitates the workshop. The facilitator sets the stage for the child to reassert the love they naturally have for the alienated parent. During this process, children are not judged for past behavior. Instead, they are given a face-saving way to end their campaign. Once this is done, they can become, once again, the loving child of a loving parent.
Endorsement
The vast majority of families have found the Family Bridges successful.
Ontario Superior Court Justice Trimble called Family Bridges’ results “nothing short of remarkable.”
He further describes the program as designed for family members in which there is alienation. He stresses that this process does not involve the Court and occurs after litigation is completed. The process gives family members the tools required to re-form healthy, loving, respectful bonds between children and both of their parents. Parents are taught that they can parent their children in a parallel way without denigrating the other parent. The Bridges Program provides its services to the children, the favored parent, and the rejected parent in alienation cases.
The process is experiential and educational. Parents are provided materials (written, oral and visual) to help them realize their motivations, actions and the impact of those actions on other family members. With this new understanding, parents recognize behaviors that are unhealthy and through the program, have learned strategies to address them.
Want more information?
Parents and professionals (evaluators, attorneys, and therapists) who wish to arrange a consultation to explore program suitability should email Connie Lupichuk at [email protected]
Connie Lupichuk is one of two trained professionals in Western Canada. Drawing on this experience, Connie now provides expert consultation to attorneys, mental health professionals/assessors, families, Child Protection Services, and community agencies. She assists to guide these challenging cases to their most appropriate and successful outcomes. Connie also offers expert testimony, training, and education related to alienation and how the Courts and Child Protection agencies can best manage these cases.
If you have ever been in to see me, you will have heard me talk highly of Dr. David Burns and his work in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I have recommended